People say they know how you feel and I know they mean well and it is heard with love but: have you ever?

People say they know how you feel and I know they mean well, and it is heard with love but: have you ever?

* Lost your cousin and best friend as a child?

* Felt like you were never "anything enough" for you own father?

* Had a grandmother who did not realise that comparing you to your sister only re-enforeced your already bottomless self-esteem?

* Ever had to hide your DEEEEEEP Sadness and uncontrolled energy and anger even as a young child and have no one or nowhere to turn to, so you became a master at even hiding it from yourself?

* Tried to do everything in your power to be the perfect child, teenager, adult, parent, wife, daughter, sister, aunt, cousin, granddaughter, friend, employee... all so you might feel worthy at some point in your life?

* Loved something (my horse "Kema" and dog "Mutley") and someplace (my hometown and the country life) so much that when you were forced to leave it behind at a time in your ife when that was the last thing you needed.

* Felt like when you father committed suicide you felt so guilty that it felt like you pulled the trigger?

* Ever had an illness that almost cost you your life, left you drugged and feeling zombie like for years and one that did for a very long time cost you your independence.

* Never felt cute, skinny, accepted, good or anything enough?
*Tried so hard to prevent a once attempted suicide from becoming a success only to fail?

* Ever watch someone die by their own hand?

* Had nightmares for 6 years straight?

* Ever gone 3-5 nights with no sleep on a regular basis and then when you did seep it would be for less than 4 -5 hours?

* Ever been so mentally, emotionally and verbally abused by a boss and that you felt like you had no escape? No matter what you did it was never anything enough for him. Ever had to be put in the middle of 2 bosses who seem to think nothing of each pulling you apart at the seems. Ever had one boss who saw the others abuse and failed to stop it?

* Ever done things that were so against your nature and your knowledge of right and wrong but yet you were powerless to stop it nor really had any consious knowlege of it.

* Ever felt that you would die by the choice of another?

* Ever had to send your child to a war zone where anyone from a small child to an old woman may and often times was the enemy? Have that child survive the worst only to come home and have to fight and be abandoned by the very country he put his life on the line for?

* Ever had to face that you have an illness that you would not wish on anyone yet it becomes the answer to life long questions that went unaswered and buried behind the locked doors of your mind?

These are just a few amongst the many events of my life.

So I hope you haven't faced them and I hope you never do. So in my mind I hope you can never really say "I know how you feel".

I pray that with Christ, my family, friends, Dr's. medication and support groups as my helpers, encouragers, understanders and coaxers I will survive to be a whole and happy person who can for once in my life look in the mirror and say I love you! I can feel that I am "something enough" for someone. That I can live with Bi-polar but not be controlled by bi-polar.