I have lived not in the past but have buried the past for to long. When faced to open eac hidden and locked door it was painful and terrifying. Now that ALL of the doors have been opened and I am letting the "demons" go and letting Christ once again be the focus of my life and allowing myself to follow and obey the path that he has set for me it has put me on the right path to a better "now" and a better "forever".
For everyone who knows me "really knows" me, thnk you so much for the unconditional love, support and words of wisdom and yes the kicks in the booty when needed.
Forgiveness seems like such an easy thing but it is only an esay word to say it can be very hard to do. However, just as Christ forgives us so shall we forgive others.
Blessings to you all.
And from the bottom of my Heart and Soul THANK YOU.
Julie
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
How Much More am I suppose to handle?
Complex PTSD, BI-POLAR... Can you say STRESS is my first middle and last name!
One day at a time, actually one minute at a time is all I can do.
Medications I have been on for years only made things worse not better.
So now I am trying really hard to work on getting healthy in mind, body and spirit. Thank goodness for my amazing family and friends and for my faith in Christ for without those I would not be able to get up each day and go on.
PLEASE Keep me in your prayers I need all I can get.
One day at a time, actually one minute at a time is all I can do.
Medications I have been on for years only made things worse not better.
So now I am trying really hard to work on getting healthy in mind, body and spirit. Thank goodness for my amazing family and friends and for my faith in Christ for without those I would not be able to get up each day and go on.
PLEASE Keep me in your prayers I need all I can get.
My Unquiet Mind
The book "My Unquiet Mind" was such a helpful tool for me.
I wish everyone who cared about me could read it then hopefully they too would have a better understanding of what it is like to live in MY unquiet mind.
Why is it that even when you finally tell yourself that you will not let the actions or inactions of another cause you pain, they still have such power over you to do so just by doing something so simple as ignoring you. You give everything to someone for your whole life and when you finally ask for support in return you get a total lack of understanding and support. You tell your self it doesn't matter, but it does, it hurts more than words can say.
Oh well such is life in MY unquiet mind.
I wish everyone who cared about me could read it then hopefully they too would have a better understanding of what it is like to live in MY unquiet mind.
Why is it that even when you finally tell yourself that you will not let the actions or inactions of another cause you pain, they still have such power over you to do so just by doing something so simple as ignoring you. You give everything to someone for your whole life and when you finally ask for support in return you get a total lack of understanding and support. You tell your self it doesn't matter, but it does, it hurts more than words can say.
Oh well such is life in MY unquiet mind.
Cardiology Update
How much is any one person suppose to be able to handle. yes I know, God only gives you what he knows you are strong enough to handle, well right now he trusts me way to much.
I had my 6month (well actually 9 month as I was to busy to fit it in with all the other dr. appointments I have been to lately) so anyhow, I have had this pacemaker for 5 years this month (the last one I had for like 8 years) and was expecting to get another 4-5 years out of it but it seems I have less than 9-months of battery life left.
My heart uses it 65% of the time, in otherwords without it 65% of the time I would be dead and the other 40% I might be ok (not the best of odds). This time it looks like they will replace the leads as well, or at least one of them.
Not like I don't know that stress is a huge issue with me both mentally and physcially and Lord knows the last 5-6 years have been beyond comprehension in the stress department and I am powerless to prevent it or at least I was but am now working on tools that hopefully will help.
Your prayers are greatly appreciated.
I had my 6month (well actually 9 month as I was to busy to fit it in with all the other dr. appointments I have been to lately) so anyhow, I have had this pacemaker for 5 years this month (the last one I had for like 8 years) and was expecting to get another 4-5 years out of it but it seems I have less than 9-months of battery life left.
My heart uses it 65% of the time, in otherwords without it 65% of the time I would be dead and the other 40% I might be ok (not the best of odds). This time it looks like they will replace the leads as well, or at least one of them.
Not like I don't know that stress is a huge issue with me both mentally and physcially and Lord knows the last 5-6 years have been beyond comprehension in the stress department and I am powerless to prevent it or at least I was but am now working on tools that hopefully will help.
Your prayers are greatly appreciated.
People say they know how you feel and I know they mean well and it is heard with love but: have you ever?
People say they know how you feel and I know they mean well, and it is heard with love but: have you ever?
* Lost your cousin and best friend as a child?
* Felt like you were never "anything enough" for you own father?
* Had a grandmother who did not realise that comparing you to your sister only re-enforeced your already bottomless self-esteem?
* Ever had to hide your DEEEEEEP Sadness and uncontrolled energy and anger even as a young child and have no one or nowhere to turn to, so you became a master at even hiding it from yourself?
* Tried to do everything in your power to be the perfect child, teenager, adult, parent, wife, daughter, sister, aunt, cousin, granddaughter, friend, employee... all so you might feel worthy at some point in your life?
* Loved something (my horse "Kema" and dog "Mutley") and someplace (my hometown and the country life) so much that when you were forced to leave it behind at a time in your ife when that was the last thing you needed.
* Felt like when you father committed suicide you felt so guilty that it felt like you pulled the trigger?
* Ever had an illness that almost cost you your life, left you drugged and feeling zombie like for years and one that did for a very long time cost you your independence.
* Never felt cute, skinny, accepted, good or anything enough?
*Tried so hard to prevent a once attempted suicide from becoming a success only to fail?
* Ever watch someone die by their own hand?
* Had nightmares for 6 years straight?
* Ever gone 3-5 nights with no sleep on a regular basis and then when you did seep it would be for less than 4 -5 hours?
* Ever been so mentally, emotionally and verbally abused by a boss and that you felt like you had no escape? No matter what you did it was never anything enough for him. Ever had to be put in the middle of 2 bosses who seem to think nothing of each pulling you apart at the seems. Ever had one boss who saw the others abuse and failed to stop it?
* Ever done things that were so against your nature and your knowledge of right and wrong but yet you were powerless to stop it nor really had any consious knowlege of it.
* Ever felt that you would die by the choice of another?
* Ever had to send your child to a war zone where anyone from a small child to an old woman may and often times was the enemy? Have that child survive the worst only to come home and have to fight and be abandoned by the very country he put his life on the line for?
* Ever had to face that you have an illness that you would not wish on anyone yet it becomes the answer to life long questions that went unaswered and buried behind the locked doors of your mind?
These are just a few amongst the many events of my life.
So I hope you haven't faced them and I hope you never do. So in my mind I hope you can never really say "I know how you feel".
I pray that with Christ, my family, friends, Dr's. medication and support groups as my helpers, encouragers, understanders and coaxers I will survive to be a whole and happy person who can for once in my life look in the mirror and say I love you! I can feel that I am "something enough" for someone. That I can live with Bi-polar but not be controlled by bi-polar.
* Lost your cousin and best friend as a child?
* Felt like you were never "anything enough" for you own father?
* Had a grandmother who did not realise that comparing you to your sister only re-enforeced your already bottomless self-esteem?
* Ever had to hide your DEEEEEEP Sadness and uncontrolled energy and anger even as a young child and have no one or nowhere to turn to, so you became a master at even hiding it from yourself?
* Tried to do everything in your power to be the perfect child, teenager, adult, parent, wife, daughter, sister, aunt, cousin, granddaughter, friend, employee... all so you might feel worthy at some point in your life?
* Loved something (my horse "Kema" and dog "Mutley") and someplace (my hometown and the country life) so much that when you were forced to leave it behind at a time in your ife when that was the last thing you needed.
* Felt like when you father committed suicide you felt so guilty that it felt like you pulled the trigger?
* Ever had an illness that almost cost you your life, left you drugged and feeling zombie like for years and one that did for a very long time cost you your independence.
* Never felt cute, skinny, accepted, good or anything enough?
*Tried so hard to prevent a once attempted suicide from becoming a success only to fail?
* Ever watch someone die by their own hand?
* Had nightmares for 6 years straight?
* Ever gone 3-5 nights with no sleep on a regular basis and then when you did seep it would be for less than 4 -5 hours?
* Ever been so mentally, emotionally and verbally abused by a boss and that you felt like you had no escape? No matter what you did it was never anything enough for him. Ever had to be put in the middle of 2 bosses who seem to think nothing of each pulling you apart at the seems. Ever had one boss who saw the others abuse and failed to stop it?
* Ever done things that were so against your nature and your knowledge of right and wrong but yet you were powerless to stop it nor really had any consious knowlege of it.
* Ever felt that you would die by the choice of another?
* Ever had to send your child to a war zone where anyone from a small child to an old woman may and often times was the enemy? Have that child survive the worst only to come home and have to fight and be abandoned by the very country he put his life on the line for?
* Ever had to face that you have an illness that you would not wish on anyone yet it becomes the answer to life long questions that went unaswered and buried behind the locked doors of your mind?
These are just a few amongst the many events of my life.
So I hope you haven't faced them and I hope you never do. So in my mind I hope you can never really say "I know how you feel".
I pray that with Christ, my family, friends, Dr's. medication and support groups as my helpers, encouragers, understanders and coaxers I will survive to be a whole and happy person who can for once in my life look in the mirror and say I love you! I can feel that I am "something enough" for someone. That I can live with Bi-polar but not be controlled by bi-polar.
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